January 22, 2011

• We’re Fairly Normal People

  Quote:

  Aleks: “Do you need a kitten?”

  Regs: “No, I have a fear of commitment.”

   

  I am working on a list of interesting and make-believe professions that I can claim during conversations. Inevitably during a conversation someone asks what my job is, and my choices are to run away, tell the truth, or makeup a more interesting profession. If I tell you I work in IT…

  1. You also work in IT, and now you want to have uninteresting IT conversation with me because you lack conversational prowess. And I’m not at work and don’t particularly care that we have the same profession. If I enter a conversation with you, you won’t ever quit talking, and no one else can join that conversation unless they’re also in IT.
  2. You know nothing about computers, and now you fear that I’m going to talk technology to you.
  3. You immediately decide that I’m some socially awkward, manga watching, 4chan surfing, LARP enthusiast.
  4. You’re not super smart, but now you fear I am and that you won’t understand my choice of vocabulary.

  Once I tell you my profession, you’re not sure what to ask. Please, don’t be delusional or afraid. We IT people don’t want to talk to you about IT, because we’re not at work and because it is neither a good conversation nor an effective icebreaker. I’d rather converse about anything else: the invention of the Triscuit; whether cheese in a can is its own food group?; does eating bioluminescent sea life make your urine glow?; who the hottest Fanta girl is? (For the record, Purple is the hottest.)

  Here are the professions I’ve come up with thus far:

  1. Grizzly Bear Trainer – I’ve never been bitten or directly attacked, but I do have some gnarly scars.
  2. Free Trade Coffee Pilot – I fly my twin turboprop airplane in and out of exotic South American locales landing on dirt airstrips to get the finest, fairest coffee for your favorite cup of coffee.
  3. Submarine Tracker – I help the DEA hunt small submarines used to smuggle drugs along the Gulf Coast.

  The key is that professions need to sound somewhat believable, offer easy questions for the other person to ask about, and allow me to easily provide answers that are realistic but not verifiable at that moment.

  Do you have any suggestions for the repertoire?

  • 4:45 pm
  • 1 Comment