Today is a big day.

My as-of-yet unnamed friend, who is a Space Commander 167 series robot from the Gentlemen’s Intergalactic Space League of Explorers, just arrived from Quadrant 15776-16A. That particular quadrant is about a bajillion light years from the Milky Way, is a vaguely royal purple when viewed in the appropriate spectrum, and is known for having a light smell of cinnamon (due to a freak incident involving a supernova in the inner-Cinnamon planetary system caused by the Inner Sanctum of Evil Robots).

On the front he has a bow tie, because he is classy, and a dial (because robots need those); a vent to dissipate heat from his power cell (one of the new eco-friendly Reactionary Voltaic Thermonuclear 5th generation energy cells); and a space ship so you know what he drives. When he presses the space ship button, his ship comes to the rescue or delivers items from Amazon’s Intergalactic Prime service.

His waist has an energy gauge, a standard 3 prong plug so he can either recharge himself or provide power to other devices (120v or 220v), an Intergalactic Space League logo, and a light switch that lets him switch between classy mode and explorer mode.

In back he has two spare batteries, an access panel, and an extra processor.

His right should features an extra gear, because robots have lots of those. And his right arm is an awesome multifunction gravity beam / laser gun / fax / scanner / condiment dispensing unit complete with a dial for changing up the settings and a green F-AMOLED readout (the F is for “Futuristic”) that shows the current power level of the gravity beam / laser gun / fax / scanner / condiment.

I had a free movie ticket that expired right before the holidays, so Laura and I headed to the movie theater. We’d already seen the incredibly good Muppet movie, so Hugo in 3D seemed to be the next best option.

We were wrong. Let me start with a small piece of praise; visually the movie is stunning. It moves too slowly. Fifteen minutes in I started looking at my wrist watch. The plot is beyond predictable since nothing of interest actually happens, and the lack of plot means there is no plot twist. The climax of the movie is massively anticlimactic, and in general the movie fails to provide anything that would actually present a good experience.

Also, Hugo is a retard. The entire movie could be avoided if he had simply said “Sir, I need that sketch book back because it is the last item I have of my father.” He has about 10 chances to utter that sentence, and he is too dumbfounded by an ignorant brain to utter the needed words.

And as an orphan he is in constant fear of being caught and thrown in to an orphanage by the train station’s master. Once he does get caught, does he explain to the station master “My uncle disappeared, and I am the one who has been maintaining your clocks? See, I am useful!” But no, he keeps his mouth shut.

What a little twit.