October 8, 2010

• Area Codes

  Know what it takes to see John Lennon? A backhoe.

  Imagine that.

  100% serious: A month ago I actually witnessed a woman in a toy store trying to return a ball-and-paddle toy that she had taken out of the package. The conversation was great:

  Woman: “I’d like to return this.”
  Clerk: “Why?”
  W: “The string is too long and the ball doesn’t bounce well enough.”
  C: “Uh, huh.”
  W: “I am very accomplished at these things. See.” (then she proceeded to demonstrate less coordination than someone with sever rigor mortis)

  Bob the Builder inspired Ludacris’s lyrics “Different (back)hoes in different area codes.”

  JCB by Nizlopi is probably the only song about construction vehicles that you can use to successfully set the mood for a romantic situation.

  The least romantic song I’ve ever kissed someone to was most of the Rammstein “Du Hast” album. The music was by coincidence, the kiss was by choice.

  I wonder who was the first coyote to bring over Mexican Coca~Cola? There is probably a tree somewhere covered in Coca~Cola boxes (extra points if you got the reference).

  I love my new T-Mobile G2 Android phone, but the iPhone is still a more polished user experience.

  Life Alert needs an iPad/iPhone application that way you can see exactly where your senior citizen fell over at.

  Is there a reason why we need more than one type of pasta noodle? After the first one, it is all redundant. (Same goes for Mexican food. “Mexican food’s great, but it’s essentially all the same ingredients … tortilla, cheese, meat, and a vegetables.” – Jim Gaffigan)

  If you haven’t watched “Constantine’s Sword” you should. It will remind you how potent a weapon religion can be and that Pope Benedict XVI is trampling some great progress made by Pope John Paul II.

  The Avatar movie was awesome, but the toys are beyond lame. I can poop out better ideas for toys. Every kid who loves Avatar must be in depression over how lame the toys are. Even a dreidel is better.

  Jewish Jamaicans have dreidelocks.
  

  Trust me. Cows are useless no matter what the salesman says.

  There is no point playing Angry Birds past level one. It is the ball-and-paddle or hoop-and-a-stick of video games. On the other hand, if it shuts you up from complaining about the new Gap logo, please keep playing it.

  The winner of the Tour de France is really a two fold champion: the world champion of Biking and the world champion of Not Getting Caught Doping. They all do it.

  I was the undisputed cartwheel champion at work. Then someone asked me about it, so now I’m the disputed cartwheel champion. (It all went down on Yammer. Yes, on our corporate Yammer page I am listed as “Seth Disputed Cartwheel Champion”

  This Friday afternoon is not moving fast enough. I’m sure it has been 4:30pm (remember to always indicate units) for the last 3 hours.

  I have a plan. It requires a particle accelerator and two weasels. If you have either component, please let me know ASAP. I’ll split the Nobel prize money with you.

  • 7:30 pm
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