June 17, 2011

• What Is the Air Velocity of a Coconut Laden Swallow?

  If you fly to Israel, fly El Al because you might as well add an El Al security interview on to your list of travel experiences.

  First, you stand in line. And I don’t mean a normal line. A real line. A long line. A life changing line. A line where you actually feel the aging process as you move through it. You enter the line, perhaps with an apple to eat later, and by the end of the line the apple has rotted. Now that you’re at the front of the line, the second event starts–the most thorough interview you have ever had.

  The interview is intimidating and is much more intimate than several months of dating. The only two questions the interviewer will fail to ask are “Do you want children,” and “Would you like to meet my mother?” At the end of the interview, you will feel used as the interviewer brushes you off and continues to the next person in line; throwing your bond in to the trash. As though your hard earned first date has ended by the girl leaving, before the meal you ordered has arrived, for a second date with the man at the table behind you.

  In every conversation you’ve had, the other person responds with tiny nods, gestures, moments of recognition that say “Yes, please continue. You’re doing well.” But with El Al security, you receive none of those clues that are part of the social contract between two people talking. It is eerie. It means you have no idea how long the interview will last or whether you’re going to be allowed on the flight. As you’re asked more questions, it becomes apparent that no matter the actual length of the interview, it is going to feel endless. They grill you about every aspect of your visit.

  Once an interviewer asked “Why are you visiting Israel?” I answered “To visit friends.” To which he sternly replied “No one has friends in Israel.”

  Why are you visiting Israel? Are you traveling with anyone else? Have you been there before? Why were you there? How long were you there? Do you speak Hebrew? Why not? Why didn’t you get to Hebrew school? What did you do for Passover? Why don’t you go to synagogue? But you have been to a synagogue before? Who did you stay with on your last visit? Do you speak Arabic (Heaven have mercy if you answer this one yes)? Do you have friends in Israel? What are their names? How do you know them? What do they do? Where do the live? What board games do you like to play? Is Catan better with or without the expansion packs? How often do you communicate with your Israeli friends? Did you pack your own bag? Has the bag been with you every moment since? No? You left it in your apartment? Does anyone else have a key to your apartment? Could someone sneak in and place things in your bag? Could someone have knocked you out, planted evil things in your bag, then planted false memories in your brain so that you’re unaware of the vast conspiracy? Why do you only have one bag? You don’t have a suitcase? Why don’t you have a suitcase? Where did you go on your previous visit? How long is this visit? Where are you going on this visit? If you had a suitcase, what kind would you get? Did you eat Playdough as a child? Do you prefer Snickers or 3-Musketeers? Do you eat Bamba with or without Bisli? Why with Bisli? You don’t you like peanut butter? Do you have peanut allergies? When did you last check your nasal cavities for illegal items? Did you bring your nose on your last trip? Has anyone else been in your nasal cavity? Has anyone given you tiny packages of explosives to snort in to your nose? Have you ever drank a Coca-Cola and then consumed Poprocks? How do you feel? Why are you tired? Have you looked in your bag since you packed it? Is the statement “I think therefore I am” valid? Do you like marmalade? Has anyone given you packages or Poprocks to take with you? Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?

  Then the interviewer walks away to consult with the head of security for a few minutes. They whisper quietly while staring at you. Maybe you’re not standing properly? What if they’re now judging your poise and posture? You strike a pose that Nigel Barker, noted fashion photographer, would be proud of. You start to believe that maybe you are a cylon. Then they both return, and the head of security asks you twenty more questions. Then they step to the side and whisper more. Then they motion you to the counter.

  At the counter you finally get your boarding pass.

  • 2:56 pm
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