June 21, 2011
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Trained, Plain, and Chivalry
Dear Wonderful Laura,
I have never contemplated the lyrics of Bruno Mars before, but today I suffered from Pandorape, which is when Pandora plays a terrible song and you suffer through it because you’ve used up your allotted number of “skip this song” clicks. This scenario forced me to hear Bruno’s song with the chorus:
“I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)”Let me immediately one-up the chivalry as I offer to jump on, not just catch, a grenade to save you. Since a grenade is no problem, then a blade is also of no challenge. Now I am not sure why we’re hanging around in precarious situations where people seem to be casually tossing grenades or blades about, but if it happens, fear not. (Besides, in my imagination blades are most likely to be encountered in an Indian Jones type adventure where only the penitent man can pass, and soon we’d both achieve immortality anyways or at least have any mortal wounds healed).
I am all for romantic gestures, bold heroics, and courageous acts, but I regret to inform you that I won’t jump in front of a train for you. I am a realist when it comes to matters of momentum, and in this scenario a train would simply take us both out. Superman, if forced to stop a 440-ton train traveling at 105mph in 525 feet, would need to apply around 627,216.951lbs of force. And I neither own a cape nor work out quite enough to purposefully generate that much force.
I pray you admire my honesty in this matter and hope it will not make for awkward conversation after you read this. And based on this, I suggest we no longer loiter around switch yards.
Yours Truly,
-Pope
Comments (8)
I heard that song last week and had the same kind of thought. I decided he must be intending to jump and roll out of the way with her if she was ever knocked unconscious and left on train tracks. You know, like if she happened to run afoul of a serial killer with a 1920s movie fetish.
You and I were similarly inspired to speak out about that Bruno Mars tune, but with vastly different takes.
I hope she appreciates the honesty and math. Frankly, the math was sexy. If I weren’t a married woman… Well, I am and we don’t know each other at all, so it hardly matters.
Huzzah, to chivalry.
Aaaahahahaha…
He could always just buy her some flowers or jewelry to show her how much he cares. Instead of… well, committing suicide.
Hah, I think this was a great letter to outdo Bruno Mars. I hope your girlfriend enjoys it at much as the rest of us did.
Now I really cannot listen to this song anymore without thinking “stupid, stupid boy gonna’ get blowed up for love”. Great write.
@lanney - Oh, excellent point. I’ll just trust Laura to not be a damsel on the tracks.
@Prolixity_Split - Finally, someone else not afraid of math! You should check out the Awesome Day post I did.
@Lithium98 - Perhaps he needs to take some medication to calm himself down. It would probably improve his lyrics at least.
@iDesireeRose - She thought found it completely reasonable.
@WritingTheTides - Thanks! Now when I hear the song I just think “Bruno, you know nothing of physics.”
I giggled so hard at this
